My Wife Wants Me to Deny My Bisexuality

By: Margarita Holmes

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am married for three years now. I met my wife Bee 4 years ago when I was introduced by my ex lover, whom we can call Jobert. Jobert is very kind and generous and comfortable with my being lovers with anyone of my choosing since we already had closure regarding our love affair.

I chose my wife to be with and have a relationship with. Some people might not find her beautiful, but she is beautiful to me. We have a baby boy of 18 months. He is the light of both our lives.

I have just one problem with her. She has changed since we got married. It is a small matter, but I find it very difficult.

She is very defensive about my bisexuality, even if she accepts it. She knew from the start that I was bisexual. But it’s as if she doesn’t want to be reminded of it. I do not understand why she doesn’t want anyone else to know about it. I understand her not wanting her family or her barkada to know. I hoped her family could be told because we see them often and I think her brother, who is gay, could be an ally when I need one.

The problem is my former friends. She asked me not to see them anymore, especially my ex lover who introduced us to each other. He considered her a friend and she did too, when we were first introduced.

It is ok with me if she no longer wants to be friends with him. I do not want to stop being his friend. We have been friends since we were in high school. What do you think I should do?

Thank you. Albert

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Dear Albert,

Thank you for your letter. You say Bee accepts your bisexuality and yet everything else you tell us suggests that she is, in fact, in denial. She doesn’t want it ever mentioned, she wants to shun your old friends and she even wants to cut ties with Jobert, with whom she was friends before meeting you.

Bee has chosen a difficult path. Whereas a woman who does not have complete confidence in a heterosexual man sees other women as potential threat, one with an interest in a bisexual man sees almost all others as threats, which is a huge burden to bear.

There are potentially a number of important issues which you and Bee face in your marriage which you do not address here. Instead, you focus on maintaining your friendship with Jobert in the face of Bee’s opposition. An obvious solution is to discuss the matter properly with Bee, establish exactly why she wants you to let go of this longstanding relationship and reach a compromise. If that isn’t possible, then that leaves you potentially with a stark choice: your wife or your friend. However your discussions go, they should tell you a lot about the state of your marriage and give you both a platform on which to build a better future, whatever form that might take.

All the best – JAF Baer

Dear Albert:

I agree with Mr Baer about Bee not accepting your bisexuality. This is not a small matter at all. Your bisexuality is an important part of who you are, just as anybody’s sexual orientation is an important part of who they are. No wonder you find it difficult to abide by her “prohibitions,” and that is as it should be.

In fact, I would like to speak personally (and not-ahem-professionally, which is the way I hope I come across most of the time) regarding this matter. I hope you find her demand so difficult you decide it is a deal breaker.

A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess. https:// www.urbandictionary.com/define. php?term=Dealbreaker

Had Bee not known of your bisexuality and your friendship with Jobert, she could be forgiven her naïveté. However, she did know and she has no right to ask you to give this up. To ask you to give up a friendship that sustains and brings you such joy is selfish, unrealistic and small minded.

If you both can find a way to be true to yourselves in the marriage, terrific. However, if that is impossible, then it is best you separate, not only for yourself, but also for your baby boy. Studies show that by 18 months of age, babies have a fairly sophisticated understanding of human emotion, including Bee’s disdain for your sexual orientation. https://www. onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/ infa.12230

I wish you good luck, but even more, I wish you courage and discernment, to know when to give in and when to stay the course.” All the best—MG Holmes