Never Argue with a Woman

By: James DC

 

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fi shing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ” Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies , (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry, offi cer, but I’m not fi shing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket. ”

“For reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area ,” he informs her again .”

“But offi cer, I’m not fi shing, I’m reading.”

” Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket and you’ll have to pay a fi ne.”

” If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.”

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden .

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.” “Have a nice day ma’am,” and he immediately departed.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

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Being Eight Again

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d like to be eight again…” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies with popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!!!!!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

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Waiter’s spoon in pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fl ies. So before he walked off , I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting fi rm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Here lies the drama of the story https://allgoodthinking.com/arhive/ 2827/