Are You an Introvert or an Extrovert?

By: Margarita Holmes

 

Dear Dr Holmes: I had a 10-yearr relationship with “Zara.” I left her for Susan 12 years ago, left Susan for Ella, and fi nally left Ella for Ana.

I am now single and want to go back to Zara, my fi rst girlfriend . Do I still have a chance? Wiil she pay attention to me again? Since we separated, she has not been in any relationship.

Mark

 

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your letter. I think you defi nitely have a chance given that you seem to have no diffi culty getting girlfriends and Zara, on the other hand, may have had diffi culty forgetting you.

While some people may say this is because men can always move on much more quickly than women, I disagree. I feel the reason you have had so many relationships and she very few is because you are an extrovert and she an introvert.

Popular culture differentiates the introverts and extroverts on the basis of how much they “like” people, but that is merely a myth.

Studies have shown that the basic difference between introverts and extroverts is where they get their energy from: Introverts need time alone to recharge; extroverts need to be with other people.

Dr. Hans Eysenck, a psychologist, hypothesized that extroverts have a lower basic rate of arousal. This means that extroverts need to work harder to arouse their minds and bodies to the same ‘normal’ state that introverts might reach quite easily. This leads extroverts to seek novelty, adventure, and the stimulation that the company of others brings. https://www. fastcompany.com/3016031/are-youan- introvert-or-an-extrovert-andwhat- it-means-for-your-career

Another reason I think she is an introvert and you an extrovert are based on the research comparing the sex lives of these two basic personality types. Once again, Dr Eysenck’s contributed to research in this area, especially with the publication of his book, Sex and Personality.

The difference in sexual behavior between these two include the average number of sexual partners each has, the amount of time it takes for each to get over a partner, the number of positions each is willing to try and, finally, how much each enjoys sex.

Admittedly, the last two differences is conjecture on my part since I only know of Zara from what you have said about her.

However, you have had 3 other relationships since you broke up 10 years ago, while she has had none. Thus not only have you had more sexual partners since you separated, it is also reasonable to hypothesize (but not assume) that you recover from your breakups much sooner than she does. It is also likely that your meant more to her than it did to you.

It is precisely for the above reasons that I exhort you to examine your reasons for wanting to go back to Zara. She will probably agree, but what will happen to her should you behave as you always have and move on to someone else? Being 12 years older than she was when you first broke up, she will probably be even more devastated than she was the first time.

Perhaps therefore, you could be as concerned about her feelings as you are about yours? True you cannot be forced to continue loving someone whom you have most interest in, but surely you can remind yourself to be not only fun and exciting, but also kind, gentle, and honest. An example of honesty would be not promising a never- ending love if you are not sure you can manage it. Good luck to both of you and Zara, Mike.

All the best-MG Holmes

Margarita Holmes, Ph. D. graduated with an AB Psychology degree (magna cum laude) and was awarded the Most Outstanding Graduate for 1972 by the UP Alumni Association. Dr Holmes took her MPH at the University of Hawaii and her Ph.D. at the Ateneo de Manila University, and is interviewed by the BBC, CNN and AL Jazeera to explain world events in the Phil and abroad. She has been a professor of psychology at the graduate and undergraduate level both here and abroad and has written 18 books, all bestsellers.

Dr Holmes is a pioneer in writing the first books in Filipino sexuality and in clinical depression, hosting the first show focused solely on psychological issues called No Nonsense with Dr Holmes and introducing courses at the UP Graduate school in neuroscience and spirituality. But what distinguishes her from other academics is her ability to straddle both the scientific and everyday concerns both populations deem important.