By: Margarita Holmes
I met a guy online through a game app. We became friends and later on we became lovers. At first everything seems so right until I found out he’s in a relationship. Until now we still talk to each other. This friendship is almost 5 years, though we both know that we love each other. As of now it’s like we are someone whose shoulder the other can cry on. Sometimes it is getting difficult for me because I don’t know what I am in his life. Because for 5 years never did he attempt to meet me again. Do you think it’s real love that we feel for each other because we are still there for each other until now? Your response is much appreciated Our situation is a bit more complicated and unusual. We talk everyday through chat. He even calls sometimes, but I am the one that speaks first. I have so many suspicions why he doesn’t want me to hear his voice. But we have been in this situation for a long time now, so I got used to it. I tried to leave him many times but I cannot understand it that every time he is around and speaks to me, I cannot help but succumb. I also have a husband and he has a gf. For 5 years I have been hiding our situation. I know in my heart I really love him. I can now leave everything behind for him.
Thank you and God bless. Dina
Thank you for your letter. You ask “Do you think it’s real love that we feel for each other because we are still there for each other until now?”
I cannot really answer for Carl. All I can do is hypothesize the following:
He probably cares for you, since he has been a shoulder to cry on for the last five years and shows no sign of stopping.
I am unsure if what he feels is “real love” since he has not taken any risks of the sort that one is willing to take for people one really loves.
As for being in love with you, sadly not. I do not sense the passion and a throwing-cap-overthe- windmill recklessness that oftentimes accompanies being in love with someone. If anything, his not speaking even after you answer the phone seems overly cautious.
However, all of the above does not really matter where love— love that does not expect reciprocation which, in my mind, is a loser’s game at the very end—is concerned. But it is not a loser’s game in the beginning. Definitely not in the last five years, when you drew strength and solace from his friendship.
However, things have changed.
You now want something more than a relationship where you each knew you could cry on the other’s shoulder. You seem ready to leave your husband for him, even without knowing if he is ready to forsake all others for you. Frankly, I do not think that is a good idea.
By all means, leave your husband. Your marriage seems to be at a dead end anyway.
But do not leave him for Carl. Rather, you leave him because you realize your secret five-year relationship with, and strong feelings for, Carl would not have been possible if you were truly committed to your husband. Do not leave if the only reason is because Carl will be waiting for you on the other side. Because he won’t, Dina. Not at this stage. Perhaps, not at any stage.
Does that mean your love was a failure? Definitely not, Dina.
Dr Ethel Persons is a psychoanalyst who wrote many books on love and relationships. In 1988, she wrote her first book Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion, where she states that people tend to measure the reality of romantic love in terms of how long it lasts. Not a good idea. Even love that does not last can be romantic, passionate, and yes, real.
What makes it real is that it gives the lover the courage to change. It allows her to dare make his dream a reality and to not only fantasize, but to actually go for it, and try and attain, a truer, more honest life.
That is what your love for Carl has done for you. And I hope, no matter whether you tell Carl your hopes for a life together (and no matter what his response will be) that you will honor that love and the strength it has given you. Ingat— MG Holmes
Thank you rappler.com for allowing me to republish this