An Open Letter to our Pinay Daughters

By: Janice Dantes

 

Lately, I have been receiving many phone calls from young, Filipina women desperate to divorce their husbands. The vast majority of these women married a U.S. passport, who visited the Philippines to find a wife and discovered this person to be abusive, a womanizer, a drunk, or some other kind of deadbeat. Other women came to the U.S. as a visitor and married the first U.S. citizen willing to marry them and soon after their marriage, they wanted out. Many of these women are uneducated, have no family in the U.S., and have limited resources. Also, so many of these women want out of their marriages after less than six months of “wedded bliss.” These marriages cannot even meet the statutory requirement in Illinois that the parties in a divorce be separated at least six months.

As a highly educated, independent professional woman who came from the same country as these women, it saddens me that these women feel that their only way to a better life is to marry someone (really, anyone). That they should use their youth and beauty to attract a U.S. citizen (any U.S. citizen) to take care of them and give them a good life. I almost feel like they had no women to look up to nor were they encouraged to forge a life of their own.

I was lucky that I had two parents who encouraged me to reach for the stars. They supported me as I graduated at the top of my high school class and completed my bachelor’s degree with honors from the University of Chicago. Their support was unwavering when I told them I wanted to go to law school where I am the first and only lawyer in my entire family.

There are a few things I would like these women to know:

1. You have value. You are strong women and you have the ability to take care of yourself and build a life that you want to live. Do not believe that your only value is your ability to attract a husband to take care of you, that you have to live a life that your husband wants. Invest in yourself.

2. Desperation attracts the wrong person. Do not be naïve to think that men cannot sense your desperation and insecurities. Good men want to marry partners not liabilities. When your main goal is to marry a man to take care of you, you are going to find men with insecurities and issues of their own.

3. Marriage is a serious decision. Stop treating marriage like it is the newest fashion accessory that you can easily return or exchange. It is a serious decision that comes with a tremendous amount of responsibility. Think twice before you marry a lonely man 25+ years older than you willing to marry right away. Maybe you should be careful about marrying a man with no employment who you just met two weeks ago.

4. God helps those who help themselves. I am not a charity. I am not obligated to help you for free when you are the one who made a poor decision. I have children of my own who I need to support, and legal work is highly specialized and expensive. If you need my services, it is your responsibility to come up with the means for payment and put yourself in the best position to fight.

Thank you for reading. Until we meet again, love one another.