Jokes

By: James DC

 

COUGH SYRUP VS. LAXATIVES

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

”What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” his assistant explains, :But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.” “What?” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course, you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him — he’s far too scared to cough.” __________

NINE IMPORTANT FACTS

No. 9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

No. 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.

No. 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

No. 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry an horny, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

No. 5 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

No. 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

No. 3 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

No. 2 – In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take take Prozac to make it normal.

No. 1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. ….and as someone recently said,

DON’T WORRY ABOUT OLD AGE. IT DOESN’T LAST THAT LONG.

__________

Inday: Aray, napuling ako!

Pedro: Anong napuling? Baka napuwing?

Inday: Napuling talaga ako. Napuling in-love sa iyo, Pedro!

__________

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko ako si Zorro.

Misis: E, ako sino?

Mister: Si Dacos.

Misis: Sino si Dacos?

Mister: DACOS of all MY ZORROS?

__________

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with very limited Memory. Just 1 Byte and everything CRASHED

__________

GF: Tanggalin mo blouse ko,,,!

Juan: Eh! yong bra mo?

GF: Tanggalin mo din! Juan Okay….

GF: Tanggalin mo na din palda ko!

Juan: Sige…

GF: Hubarin mo panty ko!

Juan: ok! ok! ok….!

GF: Sa susunod na mahuli kitang suot mo yong mga damit ko hihiwalayan na talaga kita!

__________

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Ho Chow calls into work and say, “Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later, Ho Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon….You got nice house.” __________

Husband’s Doctor’s Visit

Doctor (talking to wife after husband’s examination): Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following he will surely die. Each morning fix him an early breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a very nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an essentially nice meal. No chores. No nagging. Oh yes, and make love several times a week. Do this for the next year and he’ll regain his health completely.

Husband: What did the doctor say?

Wife: YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

__________

The Three Kings

Did you know that there were 6 original KINGS but only 3 reach Bethlehem? One went to USA & became BURGER KING, one went to China to become CHOW KING, and one went to Philippines to become TAPA KING.