By: Margarita Holmes
Dear Dr Holmes:
I am a lawyer, and thus well read, well educated and sophisticated in the ways of the world. My problem is the similar to “Insecure in Indiana” (V Times, Oct 2017).
I wonder why women say “Penis size is not really that important” once they see my penis? Are they just trying to reassure me? But I don’t need reassurance. At least, not at the beginning…until my best friend (also a lawyer) told me his definition of slutty: any woman who exclaimed how big he was when they first saw his penis. To him, the really slutty ones continue to damn themselves when they share how frightened they used to be about being choked by huge penises before. How would they know he was big, he wondered, unless they had seen many penises beforehand? And if they knew they’d be choked by some or NOT choked even if the penis looked massive, they must have sucked enough to know what size chokers and non-chokers were.
Following his reasoning, would my definition of slutty be women who tried to console me about the size of my penis? But that would mean all the women I have slept with are sluts!
Any advice? Al
Thank you for your email. The answer below is from Jeremy Baer, my husband and my co-columnist in Two Pronged.
“I regret to say that I must first take issue with you over a couple of your assumptions. You seem to believe that lawyers, merely by virtue of being lawyers, are “well educated, well read and sophisticated in the ways of the world, including women”. Alas, while definitely true of some practitioners of those dark arts, surely even a casual look at media reports of the utterances of some lawyers will indicate just how far this can be from a universal truth.
“As for your own self-depiction as sophisticated, can this really be the case of a man whose self-assurance over his penis size was shattered by his best friend’s woeful defi nition of a slutty woman as one who tells her partner how big he is? Lawyers are supposed to be logical and critical thinkers yet by your own admission you bought into this rubbish.
“Moving on to the crux of your problem, you are neither the fi rst nor the last to want a bigger penis. However, you seem fi xated on yourself and totally oblivious to the fact that size is only an issue when your penis comes into contact with a woman’s vagina (I only refer to heterosexual vaginal intercourse since that seems to be what you are concerned about). Because the vagina also comes in differing sizes. If we concede that intercourse involves two separate moving parts that have to fi t together, it is illogical to consider the size of only one and completely disregard the other.
Imagine a sheet of A4 paper and three envelops – A3, A4 and A5. The sheet fi ts perfectly into the A4 envelop, is dwarfed by the A3 envelop and is too bigger for the A5 one. I wish you luck in fi nding women with A4 vaginas for your A4 size penis. –JAF Baer
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose fi nancial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dr Holmes is a pioneer in writing the fi rst books in Filipino sexuality and in clinical depression, hosting the fi rst show focused solely on psychological issues called No Nonsense with Dr Holmes and introducing courses at the UP Graduate school in neuroscience and spirituality. But what distinguishes her from other academics is her ability to straddle both the scientifi c and everyday concerns both populations deem important.