Cat or Mother?

By: James DC

 

Don’t like to come out! Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walks out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’ Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’

Four Men in Hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the fi rst guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets.” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

Speeding Car

A Police Offi cer Attempts To Stop A Car For Speeding And The Guy Gradually Increases His Speed Until He’s Topping 100 Mph.

The Man Eventually Realizes He Can’t Escape And Finally Pulls Over. The Cop Approaches The Car And Says, “It’s Been A Long Day And My Shift Is Almost Over, So If You Can Give Me A Good Excuse For Your Behavior, I’ll Let You Go.”

The Guy Thinks For A Few Seconds And Then Says, “My Wife Ran Away With A Cop About A Week Ago. I Thought You Might Be That Officer Trying To Give Her Back!”

Sissy

A Young Boy Came Home From School And Told His Mother, “I Had A Big Fight With My Classmate. He Called Me A Sissy.” The Mother Asked, “What Did You Do?” The Boy Replied, “I Hit Him With My Purse!”

The Truth behind the Three Bears Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning….

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty, “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?”

It was mummy bear who got up fi rst. It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was mummy bear who made the coffee.

It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was mummy bear who swept the fl oor in the kitchen.

It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. I

t was mummy bear who set the damn table.

It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food and refi lled their water.

‘and now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once ….

‘I haven’t made the porridge yet!!