Awareness of You

By: Melody Rabor-Dizon

 

Iwould like to say that as creatures of habit, we often find ourselves in a position that keeps us falling into a SIMILAR situation OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Either we never learn from our mistakes or worse it’s our “fate” or our “luck”. Others tend to look at it, as we gravitate certain people, certain circumstance around us that we are stuck to those but then there are also others, who I’d like to think has control over their situation. They are able to avoid or prevent things from happening. Say if you fell once, you get up, you dust off, you nurse your wounds, you are forgiven as it is your first offense so the next time around if you still fall in the same hole, knowing very well what will happen, they may say, “You have a fool for your master” because you never learned. Yet, when the 3rd time comes around, if you still fall into the same hole, that’s called stupidity. NO JUDGEMENT HERE. We all have signals, we have alerts to caution us, but we must respond to those, be conscious and be intentional about it as well. The last quarter of the year, I have been taking workshops on line about knowing myself more, getting deeper to my inner core so I will be more authentic as a person, more empathic and more compassionate towards others. As I get to know more and more of me, it brought many issues that I know everyone can relate. So if there is anything I would like to happen to 2023, it is knowing who we really are, liking who we are and loving who we are.

From Dr. Henry Cloud’s online course, common questions or situations we fall into are:

1. BOUNDARIES

Problem: You don’t know what boundaries are, or you don’t know how to set them, how to communicate them, or what to do ab out the fact that you’re constantly feeling used, stepped on, and disrespected by people in your life.

Solution: Think of boundaries as a property line. You live inside of your boundaries, and you are in control of what is allowed within your boundaries. Outside of your boundaries, you have no control over what happens. People have the freedom to do what they want and act however they want to.

Reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on Boundaries states that: “A variety of things, including past hurts, poor models, and misunderstood teachings, result in weak boundaries or in boundaries that don’t exist at all. Boundaries define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where each individual ends and someone else begins, leading each person to a sense of ownership and responsibility. Boundaries also protect us from the bad.

THE LAW OF BOUNDARIES

All of these things live within our boundaries:

• Our feelings

• Our attitudes/beliefs/desires

• Our behaviors

• Our choices

• Our values

• Our thoughts

• Our limits

• Our talents

• Our love and trust

THE LAW OF POWER

Know that you have power over:

• You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. To confess You may not be able to change it, but you can say, “yes, that is me.”

• You have the power to submit your inability to God and others. You can ask for help and yield. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the doctor.

• You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries.

• You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. To repent. This does not mean that you’ll be perfect; it means that you can see the aspects of yourself that you want to change.

•You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs.

• You have the power to seek out those whom you have injured and make amends. You need to do this to be responsible for yourself, and be responsible to those you have injured.

• On the other side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over everything outside of them!

• You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God and others to change you. You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy, and especially not other people.

• You cannot change others.

THE LAW OF MOTIVATION

Why and how these false motives keep us from setting boundaries:

• Fear of loss of love, or abandonment

• Fear of others’ anger

• Fear of loneliness

• Fear of losing the ‘good me’ inside

• Guilt • Payback

• Approval

• Over identification with other’s loss

An ENVY mindset:

• A lonely man stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have.

• A single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends.

• A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet she always has a “yes, but… ” reason why she can’t, resenting and envying those who have “gone for it.”

• A man chooses the righteous life but envies and resents those who seem to be “having all the fun.”

A RESPONSIBILITY mindset:

• A lonely man owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and God, I wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I’ll make the call.

• The single woman asks, I wonder why I never get asked out and why I keep getting turned down for dates. What is wrong with what I am doing or how I’m communicating or where I’m going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or could use a dating site to find people with interests similar to mine.

• The middle-aged woman asks herself, Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit my job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do.

• The righteous man asks himself, If I am really “choosing” to -love and serve God, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter? These people are questioning themselves instead of envying others. Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something.

2. HOW TO SAY NO

Problem: Someone has asked you for a favor that you can’t or don’t want to do, or they’ve made a suggestion to you or offered advice that you don’t wish to take, or they’ve asked you to do something that goes against your instincts, values, or preferences. You want to say no, but you find it difficult to do that.

Solution: Saying no can feel difficult because saying “no” creates a cascading array of outcomes and consequences. We must recognize that some of these outcomes and consequences will be positive and some may be negative.

We also need to understand why we say yes and why we say no. Sometimes we say yes because we are talking with someone who we feel that we need something from, such as love or approval. Or we say yes because we are afraid of what will happen if we say no. We may feel afraid that we will be abandoned, or that we will incur the wrath of the other person.

“No” is a muscle, and it must be exercised and nurtured. It comes down to our will, and we must have a strong will. The Greek word from which ‘will’ is derived means ‘desire.’ We have to have strong desires for what is good, and strong desires to protect against what is bad. We must be able to say no to the bad, and yes to the good.

Good: People who respect our boundaries; people who are ‘for’ us and want what is best for us; activities, habits, and behaviors which contribute to our thriving.

Bad: People who use us merely to get what they need from us, or what they are unwilling to do for themselves; people who deceive us and are dishonest about their intentions; people who ask us to compromise our values and deeply held convictions; activities, habits, and behaviors which push us away from thriving.

3. WHAT MAKES SOMEONE AN UNSAFE PERSON?

Problem: Someone in your life regularly makes you feel bad, under threat, uncertain and insecure or thwarts your progress toward meeting your needs or realizing a goal that you wish to accomplish. You are not sure whether the problem is your fault or theirs, or somewhere in between.

Solution: Learn the difference between safe people and unsafe people. A safe person helps you become a better version of the person you were created to be. A safe person helps you become more connected and able to connect, and oriented to connecting with other safe people. Love begets love.

4. HOW AND WHEN TO REMOVE AN UNSAFE PERSON FROM YOUR LIFE

Problem: You want to remove an unsafe person from your life but you want to be sure this is the right thing to do, and if so, how to do it.

Solution: When we’re talking about unsafe people we could be talking about anyone from a cranky neighbor to someone very dangerous. For that reason, this may not be something you should try without professional help.

5. UNDERSTANDING GASLIGHTING

Problem: Someone in your life is trying to manipulate your sense of what is real. They are invalidating your personal experiences to gain power over you.

Solution: Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation that someone does in a relationship to make another person question their reality. If you can get someone to question their reality, what does that give you the power to do? Manipulate them. Control them. Dominate them. Degrade them. Exploit them.

Your view of yourself may change. You may find yourself saying things like, “I don’t know who I am when I am with them.” “What happened to my old self?” “I feel like everything I do is wrong.”

• Gaslighters will make you feel isolated.

• Gaslighters will negate the truth.

• Gaslighters will make you apologize to them for these distortions of reality

What to do:

• Watch for when someone is invalidating your experience. Tune into your own experience and validate it. Ask yourself whether what you are feeling feels solid and real. If it feels like there is a disconnect, pull back and get better data.

• Talk to someone you can trust. Explain what is happening. Tell them what you said and what they said and get their feedback. Who you talk to here is important. Make sure that the person doesn’t have an agenda. You want them to be ‘for you,’ but you also want them to be for real.

• Keep a diary or journal. Keep a log of these events so that you can consult the historical record. This will protect you from going back and questioning yourself after the fact.

• Set boundaries. You can’t change the other person, but you can set boundaries that help you protect yourself, your experience, and the way that you respond to their provocations and interference.

6. PROTECT YOUR BOUNDARIES AGAINST ENTITLEMENT

Problem: Someone in your life takes and takes and takes until you’ve got nothing left to give. You find yourself worn down and emotionally spent, feeling like you could never give them enough to make them happy.

Solution: Entitlement is the source of many issues in relationships. If you’re in a relationship with someone who exhibits entitled behavior, you know what it feels like to be asked to give more than you have.

Viatimes family, all I want from you is to create awareness. Awareness what is happening in your lives, acknowledgement of your feelings, taking a step back. Sometimes we all need to stop, pause or even retract to be able to move forward. I am for your mental health- always has and always will be. This year will be a year of acceptance, a year of knowing and a year of loving – you. Let’s start there. If you feel so strongly about the points I highlighted, talk to someone. It’ll do the world good. It did mine. Good luck. Your advocate, Melody Dizon, RN