By: James DC
Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”
Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!’
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.
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A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for two days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”
When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!
“Why, that’s amazing!”
the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the skipping.”
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they go into the woods, and they find a bear, and they try to convert it to their particular religion.
Later, they get together, and the priest says, “Well, when I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.”
And the minister says, “Well, I found a bear by the stream.
I preached God’s holy word to him.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“What happened?” they asked.
The rabbi replied, “I never should have started with the circumcision.”
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?,’ and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night, and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr.
Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither.’”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human-resources officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every two years … say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”