A Passenger Train

By: James DC

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally, it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
A policeman pulls over a car and tells the driver he has won $5,000 dollars in the seat-belt competition.
“I want to reward you for buckling up and being a good driver. So, what are you going to do with the money?” asks the policeman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a drivers license,” he answers.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” pipes up a woman in the passenger seat.
“He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
Then the guy in the back seat says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment there’s a knock from the trunk, and a voice says, “Are we over the border yet?”
A reporter from the local newspaper was interviewing a 103-year-old great-grandmother during her birthday celebration.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
“No peer pressure,” replied the birthday girl.
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” says the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”
“But everyone pees in the pool,” said little Johnny.
“Maybe,” says the lifeguard. “But not from the diving board!”
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”
“When is that?” asked the rookie.
“Right after the national anthem.”
Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.
The first mouse says, “Mousetraps, ha! I do pushups with the bar.”
The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, “D-Con rat poison.”
The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave.
The first mouse says, “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Home to chase the cat.”

Most of us have a bad habit we are trying to break.
For me, it’s biting my fingernails.
One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
“Great idea, honey,” he smiled. “Now, you can eat them straight out of the box.”
My wife was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside yelling, “Dad! They’ve got Mom!
And they want money!”
A policeman sees a drunk man searching for something under a streetlight and asks what the drunk has lost. He says he lost his keys and they both look under the streetlight together.
After a few minutes the policeman asks if he is sure he lost them here, and the drunk replies, no, and that he lost them in the park.
The policeman asks why he is searching here, and the drunk replies, “this is where the light is”.