Blond Men

By: James DC

 

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .” He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

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A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “The rope should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

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Blond Men An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

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A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

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A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!

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A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: “I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied: “Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “You won’t believe what happened. Some men came to the house with shovels and dug up all the dirt in the back garden.” The prisoner wrote back: “Now is a good time to plant the vegetables.”

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A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks. The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” His wife says, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”

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Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains? A: Because the kids have to play inside.

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“I don’t get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first one, “What was your last annual salary?” The first soul replied, “$200,000, I was a trial lawyer.” St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, “$95,000, I was a realtor.” St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was “$8,000.” St. Peter replied, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”