Risks and Rewards of an Unbalanced Marriage

By: Janice Dantes

 

There is a saying that goes, “It is just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor man.” While there are many women like Amal Clooney who are successful and wealthy outside of their relationships, there are also women who aspire to be taken care of or go to school for their “MRS. degree.” In our Filipino community, men are not immune to this and many are lovingly known as the “BMW” (Bring Mama to Work).

I just want to caution those women (and men) who defer too much to the other spouse in the marriage. Please be careful if your spouse is the CEO, CFO, and COO of the entire relationship. I have clients who are not even aware of what their spouse does for a living or how much money they earn. I also have clients who do not even know how to write a check or pay bills because that has been the responsibility of the other spouse. I also have clients who are married to doctors, lawyers, or other professionals who choose not to renew their licenses or leave school because they have become comfortable relying on the income of the other person. These kinds of people leave themselves in an incredibly vulnerable position should their spouse pass away or file for divorce.

Below are my tips to level the playing field in an unbalanced marriage:

1. Take an interest in your spouse’s career. Put down the credit card and take an interest in your spouse’s work and what they do for a living. Know about their co-workers, work events, and make sure that you are visible and supportive of the other person’s career. Accompany your spouse to events and find out ways to help them manage stress. There are so many people who become “blindsided” when the other spouse has an affair. Sharing in your spouse’s professional life can pay dividends.

2. Get out of your bubble. If your spouse asks you to sign something, know what you are signing and why it needs to be signed. I had a client unknowingly signed a postnuptial agreement. Review your tax returns before you sign them. Know what kind of assets you have and where they are (do you have stocks, bonds, bank accounts, IRAs, Pensions, etc?). Know where the money is going and what your expenses are. I’m not suggesting that you be a financial expert, but you cannot be complete clueless about the finances because you trust the other person to be taking care of them. There are many times I am doing a divorce or a probate estate and one spouse was unaware that the other spouse drove the family into bankruptcy.

3. Make sure you have access. There are so many marriages where all the assets are in one spouse’s name but all the debts are in the other spouse’s name. Make sure that you each have access to all accounts and that accounts cannot be closed without you being notified. I have many clients where I have to request temporary support, interim attorney’s fees, or file an injunction because they have been cut off from all funds. Do not put yourself in this kind of position.

4. Know your worth. One of the saddest things I see in many of my divorce cases is the low self-esteem and self-confidence of the women I service. Their identity is tied so strongly to their spouse that the divorce from that spouse is devastating. They feel that they have no value without another person telling them they are valuable. I call these people “serial monogamists” because they are so uncomfortable being alone that they go from one serious relationship to another never establishing an identity all on their own. We all have a purpose and value in this world.

The main takeaway is from this article is empower yourself. Make sure you are an equal partner to your spouse by making sure he/she knows your contributions and value to the relationship. You will also garner greater respect from your partner.

If you have questions about the assets and debts in your estate, please contact me at (312) 546-5077 or janice@pinaylaw.com. Thank you for reading. Until we meet again, love one another.