Home / Sections / Life Love Lust / Quickies

Quickies

margarita-holmes

By: Margarita Holmes

 

Dear Dr. Holmes: I used to agree to quickies, because my husband always tells me this is the only way we could make love and he not be late for work. He said quickies were the only options.

Later, he would come to the house for lunch and we would also have quickies because, again, he didn’t want to be late going back to work. During his lunch breaks he was even more in a hurry because he had to be in the offi ce by 1 pm, so sometimes we were forced to do it in the kitchen, on the stairs, etc.

Later, I realised quickies were NOT the only options.We could do it when he didn’t have to rush to work, diba po? Like, after he came back from work?

When I suggested we do it then, he would refuse, always saying he was too tired. He says quickies are important in a marriage but why po? I hope you can help me because this is something my husband and I fight about more and more. Thank you po.

Thank you po. MIRABELLE

Dear Mirabelle:

Thank you very much for your letter. You ask if quickies are important and this is my answer:

First of all, let’s define what we mean by important, ok?

Are quickies vital in that, without them, one’s sex life is doomed to boredom? No.

One can have a fun-filled, fierce and fabulous sex life even if quickies are never a part of it.

Having said that, quickies can be important and be welcome in a marriage IFF (if and only if) this is what both partners want.

If only one partner wants it but the other partner does it because s/he loves her/him, that is ok too.

In fact, it is not only ok, but very ok because, in this case, the partner may not personally enjoy it, but she agrees to it because she knows it will make him happy.

That means it is done voluntarily and willingly. The partner is not forced, made to feel guilty, emotionally blackmailed or, as in your case, given incomplete and thus wrong information. The partner does it of her own volition, because she knows it means a lot to her husband.

This is what makes for a good relationship, isn’t it? That we do things for no other reason than that it gives our partners joy? If we did things only because we had to (the way you thought you had to because your husband told you that quickies were the only solution to your time problem) that would not be a happy marriage, but a mere partnership, where coercion and lying are acceptable, as long as the partner doesn’t realise it.

I suggest you sit down and talk to your husband about what’s really going on. This conversation should include quickies, but not be limited to it. After all, his insistence on, and your reaction to, only quickies allowed in your sexual encounters are merely symptoms of what is really going on in your marriage.

My feeling is that your husband’s insistence on quickies could be due to several reasons: a way to manipulate you sexually, his not knowing too much about sex, his feeling that he need not explain himself fully to you (or perhaps any woman) etc. Whatever the reason (and it could well be benign, though I must admit that, right now, I cannot think of any reason it could be benign) you need to clarify how you both feel about things.

Please write to me again if there is anything else I can do for you.

Ingat—MG Holmes

Margarita Holmes, Ph. D. graduated with an AB Psychology degree (magna cum laude) and was awarded the Most Outstanding Graduate for 1972 by the UP Alumni Association. Dr Holmes took her MPH at the University of Hawaii and her Ph.D. at the Ateneo de Manila University, and is interviewed by the BBC, CNN and AL Jazeera to explain world events in the Phil and abroad. She has been a professor of psychology at the graduate and undergraduate level both here and abroad and has written 18 books, all bestsellers.

Dr Holmes is a pioneer in writing the fi rst books in Filipino sexuality and in clinical depression, hosting the fi rst show focused solely on psychological issues called No Nonsense with Dr Holmes and introducing courses at the UP Graduate school in neuroscience and spirituality. But what distinguishes her from other academics is her ability to straddle both the scientifi c and everyday concerns both populations deem important.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

Scroll To Top