By: James DC
Juan: birthday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedo: ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: ano binigay mo?
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet, too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
“Just how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner angrily.
“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands, and said “Here’s a week’s pay – now get out and don’t come back!”
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?”
“He doesn’t work here,”
said the supervisor. “He was just here to deliver a pizza!”
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Two kids were deciding what game to play.
One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
These two deer hunters were out on a hunt, and they were lucky enough to bag a really big buck with a nice set of antlers.
Excited and eager to get their trophy home, they grab the buck’s tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull, but the big buck just won’t budge.
Another hunter comes by and says, “Excuse me, but you might find it easier if you drag that buck from the other direction. That way the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
The two hunters thank the other man for the advise. They each grab an antler and start pulling.
A little later the man passes them once again. “How’s it going?” he asks.
“Great!” the hunters reply. “Just one problem. We’re getting farther and farther away from our truck.”