My dear wife/My dear husband

By: James DC

 

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference.

__________

Grandson at the Zoo with Grandpa

A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate. As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather asked the boy,
“What’s this?” It’s a proud lion,” the boy replied.
“That’s good,” said Grandfather.
“And what’s this in the next one?”
“It’s a mean tiger” replied the boy.
“Well done,” said Grandfather “you’re so clever.
And what’s the big one over there?”
“It’s a fricking elephant.”
Said the boy gleefully.
“What did you say,” queried the Grandfather?
“A fricking elephant,” he repeated.
“And where on earth did you learn that from?” asked Grandfather sternly.
“Over there on the sign, he replied pointing, A-f-r-i-can Elephant.
__________

“Adult Thing”

Talks A couple of days ago, I received a friend request from a young attractive guy about 27 years old…hhmmmm…I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend…. so, I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful. Giggles! He asked my age. I’m not a liar so I told him and reminded him I’m quite a bit his senior. And I let him talk a bit cos (truth be told) fl attery ain’t all that bad.

We kept talking for a while and tonight, he asked if we could talk about “adult things.” I said ok. Then he replied with a face like. He said, “thank you babe, you start.”

So, I did! I told him adult things like my knees and hips are always hurting. About having herniated disc from an old injury when I was in the Army. And just last week I had muscle spasm on my lower back that went all the way down to my legs and I wasn’t able to walk for days and I smell of Bengay right now. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night. I was honest about being batshit crazy. That I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.

And of course, I had to throw in the need for daily fi ber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can’t forget that one.

I was waiting for him to respond…..Gasp! He blocked me. That little shit. He wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn’t take the heat.

I think I’m just a bit too much woman for him to handle. Oh, well…

__________

Blonde on the Plane

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the fi rst class section and sits down.

The fl ight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. the blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The fl ight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in fi rst class, that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to toronto and i’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The fl ight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her, ‘fi rst class isn’t going to toronto.”