Pinoy Jokes

By: James DC

 

Ganito daw ang menu ng automated answering machine ng mental health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the alien mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, credit card details, email address, and your Facebook password.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are a politician, please hang up. There’s no hope for you.

POLITICIAN JOKES:

Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.

Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong congressman!

Holdaper: ‘Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!

—oOo—

Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllables—’poli’ meaning many, plus ‘ticks’ meaning blood-sucking parasites.

—oOo—

Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin, iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko ay political.

—oOo—

The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.

—oOo—

What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The answer: One of them is organized.

—oOo—

The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in it, the right has nothing left in it.

—oOo—

Anong tawag ‘pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat?

Sagot: Pollution

Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot?

Sagot: Solution.

—oOo—

Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa. Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.

—oOo—

How to tell if a politician is telling the truth: Whenever he’s crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth. Whenever he’s stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth. Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth. But when he opens his mouth, he is lying. —————————

A policeman sees a drunk man searching for something under a streetlight and asks what the drunk has lost. He says he lost his keys and they both look under the streetlight together. After a few minutes the policeman asks if he is sure he lost them here, and the drunk replies, no, and that he lost them in the park. The policeman asks why he is searching here, and the drunk replies, “this is where the light is”. #