By: Margarita Holmes
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I’m married with three daughters. A year ago I had this dream that my wife had sex with another man.
We talked about it, she agreed but it is always postponed. But whenever I think about it, I am so horny. Is it ok if we do this fantasy of mine? Marcus
Based on the admittedly very little you have shared with us, my answer to your question would be, “it would be ok to try out your fantasy if and only if you are willing to risk the possibility of unintended consequences.”
Let me rephrase your question a little: “Is it ok to insist on having a threesome since my wife agreed but it is always being postponed?”
“Before you do, it would be a good idea to explore the reasons for this constant postponement. Is there a possibility that this is your wife’s way of seeming to agree but not actually having to go through with it?”
In other words, I highly recommend you do not go ahead simply because she agreed, try and find out more about what she truly feels. Find out if she agreed simply to keep you from nagging her constantly about it or if she truly wants to try threeesomes or said yes simply to please you.
As the psychiatrist Dr Gail Saltz said: “I have seen some serious fall-out from threesomes gone badly. It can be hard to predict the intensity of jealousy and hurt when it comes to sexual experience and bringing another person in,” http://drgailsaltz.com/
Saltz also advises: “It needs to be thoroughly talked through with openness to [discuss] concerns, fears; [couples should be willing] to listen to each other, and retreat if one needs to.”
While I wholeheartedly agree with Dr Saltz on this second point, I want to remind you that rules, no matter how sincerely and earnestly formulated, can be completely forgotten once reality and sex kick in. even with the best intentions. As my husband, Jeremy Baer once said: “ love is not something you can control like an electric light switch, and applying a rule to it does nothing to alter that reality.”
Some people may agree to rules like “this will just be about sex, ok? Not love” and yet find it is much easier said than done for. They are usually the same people who end up agreeing to do threesomes with their partner and yet find a way to postpone its ever happening.
They are usually (but not always) people who find it difficult to separate love from sex and thus, feel their husbands love them less because said husbands are willing to share them with other men.
It is very possible that your wife might feel this way too, Marcus—feel that, since you do not mind her having sex with another man, it probably means you do not cherish her the way a man in love with his wife would and “should.”
If you really love her and at the same time really want to try out this fantasy, it is imperative you discuss this with her (notwithstanding the caveat that talking about things does NOT mean actually learning how to deal with them.)
Try to suss out what she really feels. Otherwise, she may feel, as many MANY women do, that your willingness to share her with another man speaks not only of your possibly delightful sense of sexual adventure, but alas, also of your lack of jealousy.
While jealousy has been given a bad rap (mostly deserved), there is one kind of jealousy called mate-guarding which is, I would estimate, 99.99% present in any loving relationship. I would even go so far as to predict that, if mate guarding is lacking in a relationship, there is a high probability that that relationship won’t last, This is based on clinical experience.
It is also based on others’ clinical experience and on methodologically sound studies. The best book to read about this is The Dangerous Passion: Why Jeaousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex by David Buss, Ph.D. It is not that current (2000) but is so well researched and so logically and elegantly explained that I can recommend nothing better if you are truly interested in the subject.
So there you have it, dearest Marcus. It is great that you have a fantasy that gets you so horny. It is also very ok to think about trying it out with your wife. If she agrees, sapul! (right on the nose) Go for it!!
However, for the reasons stated above. it is just as sapul-ish to decide to enjoy it on the fantasy level lang—either forever or for right now.
All the best—MG Holmes