Husband and Wife

By: James DC

 

Husband and Wife A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

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A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”

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When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.” __________

Patient & Doctor Patient: Will I survive with this kind of surgery? Anesthesiologist: Yes it has a 99% success rate but many die from anesthesia.

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I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts. He now makes me pay in advance.

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A patient in ER: FROM A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, RATE YOUR PAIN LEVEL. ” I AM SORRY BUT I AM NOT VERY GOOD AT MATH”. (please don’t capitalize).

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When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”

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A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

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Attorney and Accused: The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

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In a courtroom somewhere: Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?” Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just one byte and everything crashed.

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Where have you been? Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged. “You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve. __________

Valentine’s Day Q: What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

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LIGHTS OUT TO LEAVE. POOR GUY. “You came home early from your date,” John observed to his roommate. “What happened?” “Well,” said the flatmate, “after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights.” “So, what next?” asked John, eyebrows raised. When she turned the lights off, I went home. That’s when I think she did not want me. “I can take a hint.” VIA