By: James DC
One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota, The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena’s house.
As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back toward the house.
It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?”
Lena replied, “Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!”
During an Army war game, a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get it unstuck.
“Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead, and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.”
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here, and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”
Three buddies die in a car crash and go to heaven.
During the orientation, they’re all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a caring doctor and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s breathing!’”
A police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time.
He pulls up next to her, points to the off-ramp and shouts, “PULL OVER!”
She replies,”No a pair of socks.”
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .” He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Fridaythis year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!