My Doctor

By: James DC

My Doctor
Yesterday, I consulted my doctor at his clinic, After learning that I just retired recently, this doctor gave me the following health advice:
1. You must walk more often.
2, Avoid soft drinks, beer or liquor.
3. Drink more plain water.
4. Avoid driving. Take public transport.
5. Avoid dining our, eat home.
6. Take less meat and seafood, eat more vegetables.
I asked” “Doctor, may I My Doctor know what is wrong with me?”
He replied: “You have no salary.”
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Finding a Husband is Hard
1. You find a handsome one, the brain is empty.
2. You find a brilliant one, he looks too serious.
3. You find a rich one, he is disrespectful.
4. You find a hard-working one, he never has time for you.
5. You find a serious one, his ex keeps calling.
6. You find a humble one, he is broke.
7. You find a responsible one, he is not romantic.
8. You find an educated one, he feels he is always right.
9. You find an illiterate one, he always gets angry whenever you correct him.
10. You find a smart one, he lies every time.
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My Kids
My kids wanted to know what it was like for me growing up. So I took their phones, shut off the Internet, gave them a popsicle, told them to go outside till the street lights come on.
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BRAS
I just found that they always put bras on dead women??? If one of you puts a bra on my corpse, I’m haunting you forever. I will not go to my grave like that!
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URINE TEST FOR FREE
Go to a tree trunk and take a piss. If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose. If it dries too fast, you have high sodium. If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol. Forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s. Had trouble aiming at the tree, Parkinson’s. If you pee on your fee, prostate. Couldn’t smell the pee, definitely COVID.
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ALEXA
ME: Alexa, What’s the weather on weekend?
ALEXA: It doesn’t matter, you’re ain’t going anywhere.