Ticket Trouble

By: James DC

 

Aminister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.” The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A: A sham rock
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? A: Because they’re always wearing green
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: ‘Top o’ the moaning!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

JESUS VISITS AFTER THE RESURRECTION

This story cannot be found in the scriptures, but it is told that after his resurrection, Jesus appeared to an old fisherman. “I am Jesus and I have returned to show God’s love and power.” “No, you’re not Jesus. Go away! You’re scaring all the fish,” answered the old fisherman. “I see you are full of doubt. What would you have me do to show who I am?” “Walk across the river,” the old fisherman tells Jesus. Jesus starts walking across the river, but he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old fisherman says to him, “See, you’re not Jesus. You can’t walk on water!” Jesus responds, “Well, I used to be able to do it, but then I got these holes in my feet!”

1,000 POINTS TO GET INTO HEAVEN

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.” “Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.” “That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!” “Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.” “Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.” “One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?” “Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says. “TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!” “Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”

SMART….???

I took down my Rebel flag (which you CAN’T buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBay) and ran it up the flag pole

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.

Hot Damn — Safe at last —Ain’t America great or what?