Jokes

By: James DC

 

SQUARE ROOT
Juan: Tay, ano ang square root of 9 plus the cube root of 16?
Tatay: Paturo ka sa hardiner natin at wala akong alam sa mga ugat ng halaman.
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TRANSLATION
Teacher: Tagalogin mo nga Juan ang I was happy when I saw your face?
Juan: “Ma’am, masaya ako kapag nalagari ko ang mukha mo.”
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MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago, we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched on a 10-inch black and white. But,, hey, I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-oldgirl. Now…I have a $750,000 home, $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife, “It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 19-inch black and white TV. Aren’t older women great? They know how to solve an old man’s problem.”

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PAALALA SA LAHAT

Wag na po tayong magpapautang, kasi nakakasira tayo ng kalusugan ng ibang tao. Yung isa kong pinautang, naBINGI na kada tatawagan ko para singilin, ang sagot sa akin, “Ha? Ano yon di kita marinig!” Yung isa naman naBULAG, tuwing makakasalubong ko ako nakikita. Yung isa naman, parang naSTROKE na yata, makita pa lang ako sa malayo, napapastop at sabay tago. Yung isa naman, nagkaALZHEIMER’s at hindi na raw niya ako nakikilala. Yung isa naman, aba naPIPI na at hindi na daw makapagsalita kapag kaharap ako. Tsk, tsk, tsk, next time di na ako makakapagpautang at baka ikamatay nyo na, kasalanan ko pa!

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Poster found in a church in France (translated)

“When you enter this church, it’s possible that you hear “the call of God.” However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place, and talk to Him. If you want to see Him, send Him a text while driving.”

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Why Did I Get Divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, Boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into my bedroom for a minute?” I said, ”Ok.” She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends & my colleagues, yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…. NAKED.

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I told my wife to embrace her mistakes, and she hugged me.

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Misis: Iligaw mo nga itong pusa! Nasako ko na! Dalhin mo sa malayo! Mister: Okay! Misis: O, bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba yong pusa? Mister: Bwisit na pusa yan! Kung hindi ko siya sinundan, hindi ako nakauwi!