Question about BDSM

By: Margarita Holmes

 

Dear Dr. Holmes:

Even as a child, I have been more inclined to deviant erotic practices like tying myself up, etc. I started masturbating at 9 and would fantasize being dominated/ humiliated in sexual ways. I tried to find partners on online video chatting sites as a minor.

I am now in my early twenties and am an avid practitioner of BDSM. I have alway been inclined to kink and what are classified deviant sexual behaviors. I had a relationship with a man with whom I further explored BDSM. I taught him everything I wanted from a sexual partner. We had amazing sex, but otherwise it was highly toxic. We were emotionally and psychologically abusive to each other and have ended our relationship.

However, we still have sex in secret because we don’t want our friends and family knowing that we are still in contact. It scares me that this kind of sex has so much sway over me that I cannot forgo it, despite how toxic we are for each other.

My psycho-therapist told me to find a new sex partner, but this is problematic. I don’t know if anyone out there will accept my strange inclinations to pain/ humiliation as pleasure. I am scared I won’t find anyone I can grow with in the sexual sense. The fact that outrageous sex and erotic practices are such a big factor to me likewise alarm me. Am I normal? Please help…C

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Dear C:

Yes, you are normal.

True, your sexual behavior and desires are probably not statistically frequent enough to be considered “normal” but as far as your entire being is concerned and based on what you shared about yourself, you are a normal human being. To quote Freud, “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.”

Since you have not mentioned having difficulties at work, I presume you have no difficulties in that department. I do not always presume normality in an area that is not mentioned. However, you strike me as a person who believes all necessary factors must be included in order to get a fair and honest answer and would have told me of problems at work, if there were any.

Your sex and love life are messy at the moment, but who of us have not been in a similar situation. Indeed, (and again) your sexual concerns are different from most women but meh! –simply being different does not mean being abnormal.

However, you are right to be concerned about how necessary a role BDSM plays in your erotic life. Not because of its being BDSM per se, but because practitioners of BDSM are a sexual minority, and being part of any minority, especially in the area of sex which tends to be private, makes things more difficult for you.

Alas, the internet is the last place I would recommend for you to look for a sexual partner. My female clients who need BDSM before they get turned on finally met a compatible partner when the relationship came before the sex. I am sorry for sounding like an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy, but somehow that is what my clinical experience has been.

You will probably not have great sex immediately because it is best not to tell him how avid you are about BDSM until he gets to know you more as a person. This includes his fully comprehending that what you want in the bedroom (humiliation and pain) is not what you want when relating to him in other ways. The good news is that, after getting over the first few hurdles, many people enjoy BDSM, especially if they are the ones doing the hurting and dominating.

However, it is also possible that you decide—after an hour? after the 1st date? the second?—that while he’s a great guy, he isn’t really the sort of sexual partner you’d want.

Fair enough. If even princesses have to kiss a few frogs before they get to meet their handsome prince, I hope you will be willing to go on a few dates before you meet someone you find sexually compatible. The best of luck to you, dearest C—MG Holmes

P.S. You may discover that finding a terrific sex partner who is also a good partner in general (someone you can trust who trusts you, someone you can laugh with, cry with, etc.) is damn near impossible. In that case, you may want to go for therapy NOT because there is something wrong with you, but because you want to explore the messages you may unknowingly be giving and the implications of the messages you are receiving. All the best—MG Holmes