What “if” vs. What “is”

By: Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin

 

“What if” is about fear, and has to do with believing that punishment, rejection or deprivation lies ahead. For example:

What if I gain five pounds after eating that cookie/ sandwich/soup/banana/cake?

What if I go out with that guy and he turns out to be a complete jerk?

What if I ask someone out on a date and she rejects me? What if I ask my boss for a raise and she gets mad?

What if I make a mistake and get fired?

What if I’m making the wrong choice?

What if I say the wrong thing?

When people have here-and-now reactions to future events, they may eat to distract, numb, or soothe themselves. That causes them to replace anxiety about a future event with anxiety about weight, calories, and so forth.

In contrast, “what is” is about reality. It references what is known and validated.

When you are grounded in what is actually happening, or what you know to be true, you are less likely to feel anxious, worried or upset. What if = fear. What are you worried about that has to do with an imagined future?

What is = reality. What do you know right here, right now? Who are you, right here, right now? What do you know to be true about yourself? How have you handled difficult situations in the past?

Remembering who you are and recognizing your capabilities can mitigate fear, because when you know you can get past difficult situations, you are less afraid of them.

The When-Then Trap

“I need to lose 10/20/50/100 pounds.”

“These thighs have got to go.”

“I can’t wait to get rid of this flab.”

People often think that when they lose weight, their lives will improve, and then they will be more confident, outgoing, and relaxed. If this sounds familiar, you may unconsciously believe that by controlling the number on the scale, you can manage many aspects of your life, including your likability and lovability. I call this the When- Then Trap.

When weight symbolically represents the qualities, you want to get rid of – such as shyness, insecurity, anxiety, etc. – losing weight becomes equivalent to losing those unacceptable “parts” of yourself.

It’s easier to focus on losing weight than think about shedding disappointments, fears, concerns, worries, and anxieties.

Identify the “bad” parts of yourself that you want to get rid of and consider what you imagine will be different if you are at a different weight.

How will losing weight change you as a person? For example: “I think the worst part about me is that I’m insecure. I imagine that I’ll be more confident when I lose weight. I’ll be more social and have more friends.”

Losing weight might cause you to feel more confident temporarily, but the insecurity usually shifts to something else. I had a patient who lost weight and stopped worrying about whether people thought he was overweight; instead, he started worrying about whether they thought he was smart. Whereas he once worried about the size of his stomach, he instead became concerned with the size of his intellect.

The idea that he was somehow not good enough was there, regardless of his weight, and it just attached to something else.

In order to change, first you identify what qualities about yourself (not physical characteristics) do you think you need to get rid of and then explore how you came to believe those qualities are unacceptable.

When you do that, then you feel a consistent state of wellbeing and self-esteem that isn’t dependent on the scale.

How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious

Many people are self-conscious about eating in public or even being in public. They think people are judging their appearance (which may indeed be the case) and they want to hide from the world. Trouble is, turning away from people can lead to turning to food.

We feel self-conscious when we think others are looking at us with critical eyes. Often the way we see ourselves directly impacts our expectations of how other people will see us.

If you think you’re overweight, unattractive, stupid, or bad in some way, it’s easy to imagine that other people are thinking those same things about you.

The good news is that the more you develop a positive view of yourself and experience yourself as likable, lovable, smart, interesting, kind and good, the more likely you are to imagine other people will like you, too.

One method to stop feeling self-conscious is to be an observer instead of feeling observed. When you are focused on what you see and think, you’re less likely to feel under observation.

I tell my patients to focus on keeping their eyes looking outward, instead of feeling as if the eyes of others are upon them. I recommend that they focus on what they think, feel, see, and hear.

This helps them stay in that observer mode, reduces social anxiety and helps them be more social and less stressed. When you feel good, you’re less likely to overeat or binge.