The Country Preacher and a Bear

By: James DC

 

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn’t move. “Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet.

“Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . ____________________

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is that, father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.” “Could it be a time machine?” asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.” “Praise the Lord”, said the father. “There sure are miraculous things in the city.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.” – _____________________________________

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!” General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.” Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.” Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!” ___________________________

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?

A: He couldn’t afford plane fare Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A: A sham rock Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? A: Because they’re always wearing green Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: ‘Top o’ the moaning! Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter! ***

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!