Where Do I Begin?

By: Nancy Abiera

 

“… God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16
“…‘You shall love the LORD your God …‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” Matthew 22:37-39
“… ‘With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible’.” Matthew 19:26

We are all born to love and to be loved as we live in relationships with God, ourselves and others. Love happens in relationships. Sadly, even though these are the places where love begins, these are also the same places where hurts start. When we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt; not by intention but because we live in a fallen world full of hurt people. Hurt people hurt God. Hurt people hurt themselves and hurt people hurt others. The pain begins because love is not experienced. Then we fall into such deception as: “God does not care. Why did He allow it? People don’t care. I don’t care either. etc.” When we feel hurt we feel unloved, rejected and reviled. We feel the smell of FSH:

F Fear
S Shame
H Hurt

We use fear as a self-protection shielding us from further windings. It is like an endless cycle: Fear for being hurt again; shame for feeling unworthy; more hurts for the wounds inflicted on us. Then the vicious cycles continue with our relationships with our self and others. We are left clueless and we become more deceived, offended, angry and bitter.

Where does this relationship begin? Supposedly, it begins with God. However, the first people in our lives that we have relationships with are our parents. They are the vessels used by God to bring us out into this world. My son, Jeffrey, gave me a poster frame he made with the words:

“What God is to the world, parents are to the children- – – Philo.”

We see God using the lens though which we see our parents. And no matter how good one may think our mothers and fathers may be, they still fall short of God’s love. How much worst would it be if we did not have good experiences with our parents? Let me emphasize that it is not what our parents did or did not do that matters the most here. It is how we perceive and how we respond to it that damages us even more.

I am blessed to have wonderful parents. Are they good? Yes, Absolutely! Are they perfect? No. But, initially, I thought I had a perfect dad. But one day, he was hit by a taxi which changed everything. His health dwindled down causing him to be bedridden during my late teen years and eventually he died when I was 22. It caused us so much pain, agony and pressure as a family since he was the only breadwinner. Besides my mom, there were nine of us children to feed and support. I got wounded with being abandoned and felt God was responsible for all these things that happened to me and my family. Was it my dad’s intention to be hit by a car, eventually got sick and died? No. Was it God’s fault those things happened? No, either. However, my reaction was that I felt betrayed, abandoned and rejected by my dad for leaving me early at a young age. And since my father (and mom too) was my first primary relationship, I projected that wrong thinking towards God. Subconsciously, I had these thoughts that God will betray, abandon and reject me too. I held God in hostage to my unforgiveness and offense I carried for many years.

I had this distorted view that I must not be worthy of being loved: I was deceived to believe that God did not love me. When my dad died, again, I felt unloved for feeling abandoned both by God and my dad. Unknowingly, I started not to love “me” too. It was easier for me to believe in those lies than believe in the truth that “God is love.” I questioned God’s love which even closed the door for me to receive love from Him. It is unfortunate there are still many people who have similar distorted view like I used to have. It may not be exactly the same as I experienced per se but it may still be in line with it to some degree. It could be other forms of rejection from parents, like abuses such as physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual, etc.

My question is. . . What about you? When did you start having this kind of feeling unloved or not worthy to be loved? Or fear to love and be loved again? Recall some memories in your childhood. Start in places as far as you can remember. What was it like as far as your relationship with your mom? What about your relationship with your dad? Where were you back then? What was the happiest moment you experienced with either one or both of your parents? What was the most painful? Get in touch with your thoughts and emotions. Go deep in your inner core. Ask the Lord to give you some pictures or images of the root where it all began. If you see bitter fruits in your life now, there is definitely a deeper root where it started, or better yet, a bitter seed that was planted.

My prayer is for God to show you His love that can cover a multitude of wrongs, no matter how early it happened, no matter how deep it was inflicted, no matter how painful it was, God can heal. God’s “perfect love casts out fear.” Only God has the perfect love for me and you. Do not be afraid as God is a God of love.

“Boast how much God loves you versus boasting how much you love God.” Joseph Prince

“Impossible is I’m possible to be loved by God, me and others. . . ” Nancy H. Abiera

By the way, I greet all the fathers “Happy Father’s Day”!

I love you readers with the love of the Lord yet God loves you the most. Smile and be a blessing. . .##