My Housework

By: James DC

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he hasa part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher youwant a speaking part.”

A Chinese and an American were part of a big international conference, and the Kano, thinking that the Chinese didn’t speak much English, was kind of patronizing about it. During the dinner, when the soup was served, the Kano asked the Chinese, you like the soup-y? The Chinese said nothing. Then the main course, a meat dish, came in, and the Kano, again very patronizing, asked the Chinese a little later, “You like the meat-y? Again, no reaction from the Chinese. Then, much to the Kano’s surprise, the Chinese stood up and walked to the stage—turns out that he was the main speaker at the conference, and he spoke in IMPECCABLE ENGLISH. After all the applause, the Chinese returned to the table and asked the Kano: “You like my speech-y?”

THE LESSON HERE: DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

 

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water.
“Another one?” asks hisfather.
“That’s the second glass this month.”

 

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks.
The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
His wife says, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”

duck hunter needed a new bird dog. Somehow he managed to acquire a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to break the news to a pessimistic friend of his.
So, he invited the friend to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the swamp, a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn’t say a single word.
On the drive home, the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim!”

Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the first one, “What was your last annual salary?”
The first soul replied, “$200,000, I was a trial lawyer.”
St. Peter asked the second one the same question.
The soul answered, “$95,000, I was a realtor.”
St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question.
The answer was “$8,000.”
St. Peter replied, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”