Talking Dog

By: James DC

 

MA Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’….He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” He asks the dog. “Yes!” The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story!”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda. “In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired!”

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid!” The owner says. “A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?” “Because he’s a lying ba*tard. He’s never been out of the garden!”

Buckingham Palace Guard

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said “John, did I see you fl inch?”

John replied “Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the road then straight up me pants leg.”

“I see John, is that why you fl inched?”

“No sir. There was another squirrel. He, too, came down the tree across the road and up me leg. So I had two squirrels resting in me crotch.”

The sergeant thought for a moment then said “And that’s what made you fl inch?”

“No sir, it was when I heard one say, ‘Let’s have one now and save the other for winter.'”

__________

Who is Greater?

Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coff ee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The fi rst Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Lordship”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is an Archbishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”

The fourth Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”

The fi fth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coff ee in silence, the fi ve men gave her a subtle, “Well…?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, Very very beautiful, 38D breast, 24″ waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “My God!!!

__________

Cat in Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden fl oors… I would like a real fl uff y pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fl uff y pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with the exact same off er that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller- skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fl uff y pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life!

My pillow is always fl uff y and those little “Mealson- Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”