The Stress of Long-Term Love Relationships

By: Nancy Abiera

 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians. 13:4-7
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” Proverbs 10:12
“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends” Proverbs 17:9
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” — David Viscott

We are born to love and be loved yet we find it so difficult to maintain such love. We all want our love relationships to last. But many times we get lost.
Going down memory lane, I was exposed to all kinds of troubles in the neighborhood especially marital issues both the “young couples” and the “young once upon a time couples”. I just thank the Lord that my parents though not perfect have a very good influence in my life. However, that alone did not exempt me from having marital troubles.
Just the combination of years, and routines, and taking each other for granted is enough to give us so much stress not to mention other responsibilities
we have with work, children, etc.
I started having inner voice questions. “What can be done to make this better?” I have heard most of the suggestions from most of the experts, and I don’t believe in “five easy steps to keep your relationships especially marriage fresh and stress free.” If there really were five easy steps, this world would be shining bright as always.
Yet maybe. . . If there are not five easy steps, then what is there? What does being real, honest and conscious look like as we age with our spouses?
So here’s a list I made up, trying to be as real, truthful, practical, honest and conscious as I can about what it means to stay together past the “I can’t keep my hands off you”
1. Let’s be real as we let go and let God. Oftentimes, we have fantasy romantic expectations you see in movies. Better yet, let God give you guidance, wisdom and knowledge not only to survive but to thrive. Couples in movies are just acting and no living in reality just like us. Yes, it is exciting and wonderful. However, research shows that the romantic phase is short-lived lasting from six months to three years. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but that is not the norm. Unrealistic expectations bring real sufferings. God does not waste our sufferings but uses every bit of it to the max to grow us, mature us and teach lessons for us and others to learn from.
2. Be mindful that there is no easy way to stay connected and stay growing without God’s help. I did resort in my early years reading “self help” yet it was very limited and reached many dead end. That is why in desperation, I surrendered to God and surprisingly, gained God’s favor.
3. Let go of criticism but instead, look on the bright side. You don’t need to say 99 percent of the critical things you want to say to your partner. You’ve already said them at one time or another. Repetition do nothing to make things better, even if you’re 100 percent right.
4. Speak the truth in love. Say what you mean with love and mean what you say with love. Love heals all. It builds up. There is the 55:38:7 rule in speaking and communication. Practice it with a strong dose of love. Body language is 55%; Tone of voice is 38% and only 7% is words. Just visualize if you add strong love dosage to tone body language, tone of voice and words. Love covers a multitude of wrongs and love is our greatest response to all kinds of issues.
5. Seek and start a support group with other friends individually and as couples. Give yourself and your partner some space to have outside supportive friends. I still maintain close friendships with other women friends for over 40 years now and we used to cry with tears. Now we laughed so hard with tears of joy.
6. Visualize and imagine for a moment the pros and cons. Can you picture the horror of having to go out on dates again, sleeping alone night after night, not having that “someone else” in the house who ends up taking care of the things you don’t.

7. Take advantage of what you can have in a long-term partnership that you can never get in a new relationship. Picture it like someone to grow old with, someone who knows you well, who you’ve been through more than half your life with, someone you probably trust in a deeper way than you can most anyone else in your life.
8. Ask yourself some hypothetical questions: If your spouse died tomorrow, what would you want to say? What would you feel or even think? What would
you do?
9. Evaluate yesterday with today and plan out the future. When you’re younger, you are working with the uncertainties of your job, finances, family, friends, etc. Hopefully, now that you’re older and more established, these are now grounded. Be more open to greater possibilities. You might be surprise to discover new things hiding beneath the surface. Go deeper, wider, longer and higher.
10. Confront the issues head-on. Talk it out so you do not need to act it out. Learn new ways on how to talk about these things, even the uncomfortable. It’s ok. These are all parts of reality too.
Can you stretch a bit more with these questions on your own, without BAR (Bitterness, Anger and Resentment)? Would you try to be OPEN (Observe, Patiently, Engage to Newness) and see where they lead you?
These are not guaranteed but I guess it is worth it.

Take away all of our old assumptions that simply lies in search of the truth, and what really do we have left? Not much, except the people and the relationships in our lives. Learn to appreciate how meaningful that really is, even if it isn’t as fancy, fun, or exciting as it once was. I believe something good will come up. In short, the best is yet to come.
The choice is yours!
PRAYER: Heavenly
Father, we thank you for loving us even when we do not deserve your love. You even send Jesus from heaven to earth to show your great love for us as Jesus lived His life on earth in complete obedience to you to save us. Jesus even said first while suffering on the cross: “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Yes, we agree with Jesus that oftentimes, we are clueless as to why we are doing such and have no idea of the consequences yet when we ask for your forgiveness, you always grant us. Forgive us for our wrongs knowingly or unknowingly:
in thoughts, words and in deeds. Thank you for your gift of forgiveness and we forgive ourselves. In Jesus Name, we pray, Amen.
Always choose “On A Bright Side” moving further and farther “On A Brightest Side”. I love you readers with the love of the Lord yet the Lord loves you the most. You are blessed. Smile and be a blessing!